Faux News Press (FNP)_Washington, DC:
NEWS BRIEFS
At a meeting of the U.N. Security Council today, urged by
Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, an open and frank discussion of alleged
anti-Semitism was entered upon. The topic had been entered as lead agenda
discussion point by United States Permanent Ambassador Samantha Power in
consultation with the Honorable Mr. Ki-Moon. United Kingdom Permanent
Ambassador Sir Mark Lyall Grant and French Permanent Ambassador Francois
Delattre were co-signatories for the discussion topic.
United States Ambassador Samantha Power had urged
Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon to introduce the topic by allowing Mr. Eliezer
“Elie” Wiesel to read an on-point notation on the topic by famed musician, Mr.
Daniel Barenboim. This was agreed to by all members, as Ambassador Power had
noted that Elie Wiesel had miraculously survived 43 Nazi “Death Camps” and
written 57 books about his suffering under anti-Semitism. Moved by his pain and
suffering, tears trickled down the cheeks of Ambassador Power as she spoke to
the members of the Security Council, according to FNP sources close to this
affair. Other eyes there wetted at her words.
Mr. Wiesel stood before the gathered dignitaries and
spoke the moving words of Daniel Barenboim by heart. He said:
“Anti-Semitism has no history, political or cultural in
origin. Anti-Semitism is simply a disease which we must all fight.”
The Ambassador from Chad, Cherif Mahamat Zene, confirmed
that such diseases could be defeated, as mosquito-borne disease in his country
had been eradicated.
Other members of the Security Council nodded their heads
in solidarity.
Francois Delattre of France opined that perfidious Albion
must bear much of the responsibility for anti-Semitism. He noted that the
British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli had written a book entitled CONINGSBY, which had suggested that many
– perhaps all - European nations were secretly guided by Jews. “This suggesting
of undue power by an alien minority must be denounced as incendiary,” he said. Mr.
Ambassador Delattre assured all members present that France had always stood
with the Rothschild family and deplored bigotry.
According to sources high in the Security Council, the
U.K. Permanent Ambassador to the Security Council, Sir Mark Lyall Grant,
interjected, “See here, Delattre! You Frogs don’t fool anyone by your ‘More
friend to the Jew than thy’ attitude. The recent carnage in Paris speaks to
your Gallic sickness!”
According to FNP’s usually reliable source, the
Ambassador of New Zealand, James “Jim” McLay, also observed that “New Zealand
has been said to be ‘more British than the U.K.’ and the point has been well
made. Sir, anti-Semitism has always been utterly alien to the soul of the
Englishman. You Frogs had better watch your disgusting tongues!”
“Just so, Jim,” replied Sir Mark Grant. “We, the English
people, have always stood by the British Rothschilds, and, frankly, we put you
Frogs to shame on this point.”
“You lie!” shouted Ambassador Delattre.
“See, here, Ambassador! Our beloved Amschel Rothschild
was ‘suicided’ in Paris! Where were the French patrons of the Jews then?”
“Where were the British?” asked Francois Delattre acidly.
The Chinese Ambassador, Liu Jieyi, interrupted the riled
ambassadors from France and U.K., stating: “Comrade Ambassadors! Let us
straighten our red kerchiefs! The dignity of the Security Council demands it.”
“I, as Permanent Ambassador of Russia, must agree with
Ambassador Jieyi,” said the Honorable Mr. Vitaly Churkin. “I would like to
point out that the recent events in Croatia confirm that an outbreak of the
anti-Semitic disease threatens Europe. This disease must be our focus. We must
quarantine Croatia and then eradicate the disease.”
According to FNP sources, at this time Ambassador Power
of the United States Mission to the United Nations suggested that exposure to
the Japanese nuclear disaster at Fukushima Daiichi might be one way to irradiate
the problem. She observed the salubrious effect of Chernobyl nuclear disaster
on diminishing anti-Semitism.
Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon reminded the gathered
ambassadors that they sought to eradicate anti-Semitism – not irradiate it.
The Ambassador of Jordan, the Honorable Madame Dina
Kawar, suggested that anti-Semitism might die out, if the Jews were given a
homeland of their own. This idea was seconded by Ambassadors Cherif Mahamat
Zene of Chad, Ramlan Bin Ibrahim of Malaysia and Uche Joy Ogwu of Nigeria.
Continuing with her thought, Ambassador Kawar suggested
that Spain might be a suitable new homeland for the Jews.
At this point, according to usually reliable sources, the
Russian Ambassador, Vitaly Churkin, shared with the gathered dignitaries an old
Russian proverb: “Scratch a Spaniard and find a Kike.”
In response the Ambassador of Spain, H.E. Mr. Roman
Oyarzun, agreed that the new Spanish law making Sephardic Jews eligible for
citizenship in Spain as “dual citizens” opened the door for the Jews to return
to Spain, bringing their family, possessions and wealth. He observed that the
American principle of allowing relatives, friends and bribing strangers of new
immigrants to also immigrate to the United States might apply as well to Spain,
depending on the final decision of the Spanish courts on this point. An
unfavorable opinion might require the Spanish legislature to enact laws that
clarify Spanish immigration policy. “Certainly,” said Ambassador Oyarzun, “if
we welcome the Sephardic Jews, we should welcome the Ashkenazi Jews as well.
Otherwise, we would appear to welcome one group of Jews but to discriminate
against another group of Jews.”
The Ambassador of Venezuela, the Honorable Senorita Maria
Gabriela Chavez observed that Jews residing in Venezuela were free to return to
their native homeland, Spain, but they would be limited to the removal of no
more than 30% of their liquid wealth. She proclaimed the principle of “national
rental fee,” similar to the tax placed on “cashed in” securities in the United
States, would absorb 70% of the wealth of El
Departees.
The Russian Ambassador Churkin agreed that such an “exit
rent” would be normal, and a similar rent would be required of Russian Jews
wishing to return to their Spanish homeland.
Speaking in behalf of the Israeli nation, which nation
was not present at this Security Council meeting, United States Ambassador
Power stated that the policy of Israel in regard to the rent issue, which it
might place on Israeli Jews who wanted to return to their Spanish homeland, was
that the United States must pay the rent fee for such Jews. Ambassador Power
stated that President Obama and both Houses of Congress had agreed to this
stipulation, should the occasion arise.
FNP sources have unanimously agreed that at this point,
Elie Wiesel screamed and fainted to the floor. When he was revived, he charged
that he had been victimized by an anti-Semitic symbol. He pointed to a halved
portion of a bagel which he had quietly ordered, along with a goblet of vintage
Mogen David Wine. When the bagel had arrived, in accordance with his request,
it was smeared with creamed cheese. He pointed to the smear of cheese
hysterically.
Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon hastened to the bagel to
observe it. He saw what appeared to be an alphabetical “r”-like slash of
creamed cheese on top of the body of creamed cheese that covered most of the
surface of the face of the half-bagel. Puzzled, he looked at the other gathered
ambassadors who were observing the bagel, while a physician attended to the
Nobel Prize-winning writer, Eliezer Wiesel.
The Ambassador of Lithuania, the Honorable Madame
Raimonda Murmokaite, observed audibly, “It could be an ‘r.’”
A puzzled ambassador of Angola, the honorable Ismael
Gaspar Martins, wondered to his fellow ambassadors where the offense resided in
the mark.
U.S. Ambassador Power offered an explanation. She said,
“It may be an abbreviation for ‘red.’ The original leaders of communism were
overwhelmingly Jewish. Someone may have meant to obliquely attack Elie as a Jew
by indicating that he was a ‘Red.’” She continued, “I am offended and disgusted
by this attack on a ‘holocaust survivor.’”
An obviously annoyed Russian Ambassador Churkin objected:
“Your analysis was strained – even fantastic. Our intelligence has unearthed an
American plot to defame the Jews by calling them ‘Edomites.’” “‘Edom,’” he
continued, “is ‘red.’ The use of the ‘r’ form on the bagel – made with creamed
cheese – was to insult the celebrated Jewish writer, Wiesel, by calling him a
descendant of Esau, brother of Jacob. For a Jew such a label is a great
insult.”
Sir Mark Lyall Grant, U.K. Ambassador to the United
Nations concurred. “This makes me very angry,” he said.
The fully revived Elie Wiesel begged of the gathered
dignitaries a word. “The real meaning of the ‘r’ symbol is the ‘swastika.’ If
you place four of these ‘r’ symbols so that their bases form a square shape,
you will have made a swastika. Dears,” he said to the dignitaries, looking
wisely yet sadly at each, “Nazis have infiltrated the United Nations and are
now pursuing an anti-Semitic agenda. May G_d preserve us from such hate!”
“I am filled with outrage!” blurted Ambassador Power.
“The President and Congress must know. The American people must know! The
disease of hate has invaded our homeland!”
Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon asked the members of the
Security Council, “Should the United Nations quarantine the United States? Can
the disease be limited to the United Nations building only? Do we have a
pandemic threat here?”
According to FNP sources, a decision to meet again on
Friday to decide what course the world community must take was passed and the
meeting adjourned.
“Heavy rests the heads that rule the world,” opined Drat
Johnson from his FNP station in the Levant.
Just so, Drat! FNP will keep an eye on this situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment